It's not a diary, Jamie, it's a journal!
by Angie Morse
Summary: Sirius Black is given a journal as an early Christmas present in his 5th year. While he never thought to enjoy writing in it, he finds a strange comfort in expressing everything. And I mean everything. Rated for language.
1. December 4

A/N: Hi everyone. Listen, I know he doesn't have a sister. But I don't care. I started writing this fic before HP5 came out, and I like it. Don't bother telling me it's impossible. I like the impossible. And I like Siri. So there. Anyways, read and review. I know it's short, so bear with me. I'm just seeing what ya'll think before I continue. This story will most likely be updated often, with one or 2 journal entries each chapter, so patience. 2 reviews, and I'll continue. Otherwise. Angie  
  
December 4  
  
How stupid can I get? Bloody hell. I knew that she liked him. Hell, I even knew that he was lonely, and sick of it. But, being me, I never once thought that either of them would even dream of making a move. And therefore, when Amelia came to me for help on Defense Against the Dark Arts right before my Quidditch practice, I turned to him.  
  
After all, Remus is better at that class than anyone I've ever met. That was my first mistake right there. See, Amelia is naturally shy. She likes Remus too much to talk to him. When I left for practice, Remus was reading over her assignment, and Amelia was sending me the patented Black Death glare. She was blushing badly. I grinned at her, and went down to one of the longest and hardest Quidditch practices that I've ever been through.  
  
I knew that if he was helping her with work, she'd be more than happy to talk to him. I thought it'd be good for her, you know? Maybe if she talked to him, she'd realize that he's not a god or whatever. But no. She had to like him even more. And now I have a lovesick 1st year on my hands. One would think that this alone would be more than enough torture for the four years of pranks here at school. But no. There's more.  
  
I sound like I'm on a Muggle infomercial. "Call now and your little sister will fall for your best friend. Call within the next 10 minutes, and he'll like her back! But wait, there's more! We'll also throw in enough guts for your best friend to act her out!" Gah! Because that's what he did. He asked her out. My best friend asked my sister out.  
  
Yeah, things are quite comfortable around here right now. Amelia's blushing, uncomfortable, and more shy than normal. Remus has this incredibly guilty look about him, which leads me to believe that he kissed her. That makes my day so much better. He KISSED her! Not that I know this for certain, but I have a gut feeling, and I'm usually right.  
  
I try to be happy for them. I really do. But I can't. Every time I look at one of them, I can't help thinking of what will happen when they fight. I mean, they have to break up eventually. And who am I going to side with? My best friend, who I trust with my life? I mean, sure, the man's a werewolf, but he's the best friend a guy could ask for, next to Jamie, of course. Jamie's just unbeatable.  
  
Or do I go for my sister? I can't help seeing the scared little 5 year old who first came to me at night, crying. I mean, the poor girl was kicked out of her family when she was 5, and taken in by us. She needed me so desperately. And she would need me if she lost Remus, too. She'd need me badly. So what do I do?  
  
I can't just say no, I'm not helping either of you. Wouldn't that just hurt them both even more? But what do I do? If I help Amelia, I lose my best friend. And I can't do that. Rem needs me. But if I side with Remus, I'm betraying my sister. My own sister. I'm supposed to protect her from getting hurt. Isn't that the older brother's code or something? Just wonderful.  
  
And then there's this girl. Oh yeah. You knew that was coming. When have I told you anything and NOT mentioned a girl? But this girl... Wow. I could easily see myself falling for her. Not in love, of course. Love doesn't exist. It's a dream for the weak, the helpless, or the scared. People like Amelia.  
  
Not that I don't adore my sister. I do. I really do. But she went through hell as a little girl. I mean, her dad... I'll kill the man someday. I don't care if the man swore he'd only have one daughter. That does NOT mean that you abandon your 5 year old daughter just because your wife has twins, and one of them is a girl! I doubt even Malfoy could be that evil. And that's saying a lot.  
  
I'm extremely thankful that none of my friends know I keep a journal. I can't even imagine what they would say if they read what I had just written. Hmm, maybe I should erase that. No. I promised Amelia I'd keep this journal, at her request, and that I'd be honest with myself in it. I'd never realized just how difficult it is to be honest with oneself.  
  
But it's kind of a relief to be able to say what I want, when I want. And know that no one will comment or do anything, because no one will know. Not even Jamie knows this stuff. The man may be closer than a brother to me, but he can be something of an insensitive git. Especially towards Evans.  
  
You know, I have yet to pick up on what he sees in her. I mean, sure, she's pretty and all, but the girl is a bitch. A complete bitch. Uh-oh. Jamie is waking up. He's not allowed to see this! 


	2. December 5

A/N: Wow, what can I honestly say? Thank you guys so much! I really have no choice but to continue after that. About the nicknames. They're to come. I don't think they had the nicknames yet at this point in his 5th year. I imagine that they managed to become Animagi in about February of their 5th year, so nicknames will come then. Again, posts will be short. Sorry it took so long, I have been having some. issues. It'll be faster now, I promise. Angie  
  
December 5th  
  
Last night was a close call. I had barely had time to shove the journal under my pillow, and put the quill and ink away before I saw Jamie sitting up in bed. I don't even want to know his reaction if he knew I was keeping a journal. Not a diary, a journal. Little girls keep diaries. I keep a journal. There's a big difference there.  
  
Surprisingly enough, I'm already addicted to writing in this thing. There's just something about it. I'm a bit disappointed at my own decision to only write at night, but it's the right thing to do anyways. As much as I love Jamie, he's my best friend in the world, but I don't want to imagine the torture he would put me through if he knew about this.  
  
Moving on, about this girl. Her name is Bella. Isabella Stevens. The girl is incredibly gorgeous... I mean, like supermodel gorgeous. Sure, I'd noticed her before, but nothing major. And then comes yesterday. I was sitting in Potions, annoyed that I even had to be there, as usual. We were to be partnered up, so I moved instinctively towards James. But the bastard betrayed me.  
  
Next thing I know, Jamie, my Jamie, my best mate, was working with Evans. Working with Lily Evans. I'd be happier to see the bloody git working with Malfoy than that. girl. Peter had already claimed Remus as his partner, though nothing was new about that. So here I am, betrayed by my best mate, no one to work with... That wasn't cool.  
  
And then Bella came over. Apparently Jess, or whomever she's best friends with, was sick today. Hey, whatever, all the better for me. So we hooked up. Not hooked up, hooked up. Just. hooked up for the assignment. Anyways, she turns out to actually be pretty cool. Like, she has a sense of humor and stuff, which is fairly nice to see.  
  
I mean, really. How often do you meet a girl who not only has a brain, but knows how to laugh? Add to it the fact that she's bloody gorgeous, sweet, funny. She's my dream girl. And yes, there is a problem.  
  
She has a boyfriend. Not just any boyfriend. Regulus. 


End file.
